Country Style Cauliflower Gnocchi with Sausage, White Beans, & Herbs
Tomorrow it’ll be one year since I quit my job in Arizona, & walked out the doors of a work-place that was comfortable, and one I came to like very much. I remember walking out the doors, and being really sad to leave my boss & my co-workers, and my team. I specifically remember my work husband, Reg, walking me to the elevators, both of us carrying my last day gifts & flowers & cupcakes, and me crying and saying “I don’t know what I’m going to do,” and then just being overcome by feeling so uncertain about what was next for me. Wondering how I was going to support myself? How am I going to re-build this life I was living right then somewhere totally new? It was this feeling of being really scared about things changing, and scared to leave a place I was kind of thriving in. I guess I assumed that life would inevitably pick back up where it left off, and life in Washington wouldn’t look any different than the life I had known. What I didn’t anticipate is being all-in on a family business, & the rollercoaster of going from feeling everything’s great to questioning if I’m doing enough to actively build a life with my husband, or if I’m watching him build a life for us.
When we moved, we moved for my husband to grow his cider business, and we talked FREQUENTLY about working in a taproom together, but I never visualized my life looking like that. Like I failed to picture a life working alongside Jordan in a bar, and inevitably failed to prepare to be all-in on a business he built. Not because I didn’t want to, but I just thought I’d get my own job, do my own thing, and life would go on because that’s what people do. & now I’m here…no longer working for a business that is completely separate from all other aspects of my life. I will say being part of a family business has it’s perk. It’s a dream. Working with Jordan is a dream! What gets hard for me are the moments where I realize this is my husbands company, and it’s now supporting both of us, and I ask myself if I’m building a life with him or relying on him too much.
I’m now trying to impress him at work - he’s my boss. & it’s funny because I’m doing things in this role of helping open a taproom that I’ve never done - building spreadsheets to track sales, getting on the phone with the health department, getting comfortable tapping kegs. It’s this combination of wanting to just dive in and get the job done, do it exceptionally so my husband doesn’t have to re-do any of my work, and then constantly asking myself if what I’m doing is enough to truly be a help to him. Am I doing enough as his partner to support us & our life & really be helpful in this business? And am I doing enough to make the life we strive for reality? It’s this part of my conscience that I can’t turn off, and sort of this unceasing worry that I’m too dependent on Jordan, and that, in a way, I’m relying on him to take care of me versus take care of myself.
The unknown variable in this whole equation is what is “enough.” I honestly couldn’t tell you. It’s been a roller coaster because we’re opening a taproom, & it’s something we’ve never done before. It’s scary - it can feel like we’re in over our heads, and I ask myself daily if what I’m doing to prepare for our new business is correct & setting us up for success. Though I make a commitment to myself everyday to be productive - whether it’s phone calls to the health department or figuring out what kegs we should order - I just have this unceasing part me that’s always trying to pinpoint what is enough. The fact is this work environment isn’t one where I’m given weekly or monthly expectations, so defining output needed to excel is really challenging. It sometimes gets personal for me, and I start to ask myself if I’m smart enough to get this business off the ground. & to be questioning my work to the point I’m questioning if I’m smart enough is a hard pill to swallow. They’re tough thoughts to work through internally.
I will say that I think my situation is unique (the whole opening a cider tasting room with my husband part), but I also know a lot of people relocate for their spouse’s job, and probably feel a little more reliant on their spouse as a result, or have a tough time re-establishing their own life from the jump. I think that’s what has happened to me, and I felt it happening when we moved. I was resistant though - I got a job that mirrored what I did in Arizona, but it was a job that was hard to find, was 4 hours of commuting everyday (that’s not an exaggeration), and I wasn’t really happy. It was a job I took so I could say “Look - I have a good job & support myself, too.” We made the joint decision for me to stop doing that once our cider house opening day got close enough, but I do just feel guilty. Like it’s a weird feeling getting a paycheck from your husband’s business - I feel like he is paying me do I deserve it? It’s weird, and questioning if I’m worthy or smart enough have been real thoughts.
If I’ve learned anything from self-esteem struggles it is I’ve got to help myself by being action oriented, not letting the “what-ifs” stifle my existence as a productive human, and I have to change the narrative in my own mind. The biggest piece for me is changing the narrative. Recognizing moments of self doubt, and when I find myself worried about the role I’ve taken in our family business, asking myself “why not me?” in place of more self deprecating thoughts. Why can’t I be successful? Why can’t I be a valuable part of the team? It’s changing the narrative this way that helps me to live in the moment and realize everything’s fine (better than fine!), and that it’s possible for everything to stay better than fine.
So today being kind of monumental, it left me thinking about how things have shifted in our life, & though I feel more reliant on Jordan than ever before, I’m choosing to remember that everything’s better than fine, and that’s enough for me. If I can pinpoint one thing that I’m most grateful for today, it’s the level of happiness that has entered our home. The ability to work effectively together, and turn off work mode to just be husband & wife is really nice. Though I still find myself in those self-deprecating moments from time to time, things are really starting to settle down with our life here, and I’m confident changing my internal narrative will only help to feel more content with the new work situation. Because at the end of the day I can recognize I’m really lucky, and the missing piece believing in myself a little bit more. So my post-work sunbathing in the yard left me thinking about embracing the change instead of questioning it, choosing to remind myself that everything is better than fine, and that it’s possible for everything to stay better than fine. & it was time to celebrate life being better than fine with an at home datenight for just me.
Jordan left for a bachelor party early this afternoon, so this introspection & dear diary entry is parlaying into experimenting with my favorite food invention of the 21rst century - cauliflower gnocchi. Whenever I’m home alone pasta always sounds good. Just a big hearty bowl of sauce-y pasta loaded with meats and herbs and fresh veggies. & eating it Lesley style - loaded on top of a bed of greens to sneak in some extra veggies. It just feels right for a late night dinner & movie when I’m home alone.
If you haven’t experimented with Trader Joe’s cauliflower gnocchi, you need to because you literally will ever need to eat regular pasta again. It’s truly life changing! So my night in is ending with a cauliflower gnocchi that is meaty, creamy, & layered with white beans & herbs. It was a pasta that was so comforting to eat, as any pasta dish is, and felt home-y in an Italian farm-style kinda way. The combination of white beans & sausage & bacon made it feel like a Country Style Cauliflower Gnocchi, so that’s what I’m calling it. Paired perfectly with Harry Potter movies on repeat, and peace of mind knowing that life is better than fine in this moment, it made for an ideal night in.
For the Pasta
1 lb. spicy sausage
3 slices of bacon
1 tbsp EVOO
1 yellow onion, chopped
1 can diced tomatoes
4 garlic cloves, minced
2 c. chicken broth
1 can butter beans or other white beans (I do just recommend avoiding navy beans)
1/2 c. half & half
1/4 c. fresh parsley, minced
1/4 c. shredded mozzarella
1 tbsp EVOO
Salt & pepper
1 package of cauliflower gnocchi (from Trader Joe’s)
1 bag of lettuce mix (kale or arugula)
Parmesan for sprinkling
Start by preheating the oven to 350. Line a baking sheet with foil and lay the sausage on the baking sheet. Bake for 20 minutes.
Heat a large skillet over medium heat. Add in the bacon pieces, cooking until they’re crispy and the fat is rendered. Add in an extra tablespoon of EVOO along with the diced onions. Cook until the onions are translucent (about 8 minutes). Next add in the can of tomatoes, garlic, and broth, bring the mixture up to boil. Let the sauce simmer for 10 minutes. At the same time, remove the sausages from the oven and slice them in 1/2 inch slices.
Reduce the heat to low, stir in the beans, the sausage slices, and a pinch of salt and pepper over, and let the sauce continue to cook for 15 minutes. Next, stir in the cream, the parsley, and the cheese. Keep the pan covered and over low heat while you move to cooking the cauliflower gnocchi according to package instruction (my tip - use another large skillet to cook the cauliflower gnocchi and do'n’t crowd the nuggets as they cook). Stir the cooked gnocchi into the sauce.
Serve the gnocchi over a bed of greens, and finish it with a sprinkle of parmesan. Eat up while it’s hot.
The final product.